I’m here to start bettering myself from now on. My motive’s “Stay Humble God’s child.”
(also called ranklement or bitterness) is the experience or a negative emotion (anger or hatred, for instance) - felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done.
Lately Ive been realizing a lot and when I say a lot I mean it. I grew up always thinking I loved you. Now that i see things with my own eyes, hear things with my own ears.. its been hard on me deep down inside. Every time im with you I thought it was a normal father/daughter relationship, but you know what? It’s not. I never in my life saw it coming but ive grown up to realize you really don’t care about me since the divorce. It hurts me deep down. Whenever im with my best friend I play it off and just joke around about ” Oh look thats my dad!” ( points out a random stranger that may look like a good father figure) Yeah I may look like im joking but deep down inside I just played myself. I really do wish I had a real dad. I see you every week once, on your day off. You pick me up from school, take me out to eat, and if i need something youd go buy it or get it for me. Thats all tho.. why? Whats so wrong about our relationship is that I have to message you or call you to fucking remind you to come get me. What the fuck! If i dont call, text, or get in contact with you… you wont bother to move a muscle to remember to come get me. This Thanksgiving you didnt budge to text me a happy thanksgiving, you didnt inform me that you loved me, you didnt let me know you were thankful for me. Every time Im with you, a topic to talk about is always you starting to talk shit about my mom. Shit happened in the past, I grew out of it and learn to forgive her. My mom may be crazy and all but shes the one who raised me, she informs me that she appreciates me, she shows me love and affection. My mom is everything to me, if it werent for her my life wouldnt have been what it is now. Shes the one that encourages me, she motivates me, shes pushed me to pursure my dreams, shes always fucken suported me with whatever I did and done. Even if it was “stupid” she would joke and laugh about it but she still managed to tell me if i wanted to do something, go do it. But you, as a father, a dad, you done what? You didnt support me? You just do what you gotta do to get past. Ah fuck this shit, I cant even type and vent about this topic, its the first ever I brought it out and i still havent told anyone and maybe i will maybe i wont and this will be my only vent, and its unfinished. its too hard to talk about, its too much to handle without almost tearing up……..(those dots are my thoughts unfinished).
I just wish I had a real dad to call dad, a father figure to tell me no to things, to tell me he loves me, to let me know shit will go right in my life, to help me with things i need help on, a real fucking man to be a father to me. Not someone who rushes out of my life, not someone who does basic shit, not someone to fake it til its the end of the day and drop me off at home without watching me from the car to see that i made it safe home. But you know what? This realization of what ive been growing up through just makes me stronger in the end. Im thankful I have a real Father, thats God. He loves me endlessly. In the bible it says to “Be Still and Stay Humble, because I am God’s child.” I have a life to look forward to and a purpose to live for. I go through obstacles and tests in my life for a reason and today was one of the hard test to come to a realization of what i went through and lived with. Im done for now because I cant, and wont make this pain take over me but let it help me figure out myself to keep moving forward without the resentment.
I still managed to put a smile on my face because I have faith that there is a purpose for me.